I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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