hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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