i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
