When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize