i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize