I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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