Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
