I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
