How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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