eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
