HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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