i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
dude. I can hear the air.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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