There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
