2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
