Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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