Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
