I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
