chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
