Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just took my morning after pill in the library
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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