1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
