if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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