So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
