tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
