This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
