How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
