I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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