toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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