Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
