if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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