I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
is wine microwaveable?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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