how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
