that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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