What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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