I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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