Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
