There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
