I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
