he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
