If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
