I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
