I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize