he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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