I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
