I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
