I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
