i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
