Will you blow on my dice?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
