Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
