My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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