Jerry, you need to find god
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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