I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
