hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
