Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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