If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
