I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
