Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
